In Praise of a Boring Marriage

Why I Hated "We Live in Time"

Of all the pictures in God’s creation that reveal the Gospel truth of Jesus as the Saving King, I believe marriage is the greatest. This is in no way meant to be a disparaging comment on singleness because it is the (likely) single, Apostle Paul’s words in Ephesians 5 that motivate this belief more than anything else—"This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church" (Ephesians 5:32).

In that passage (Ephesians 5:21-33) the focal point is not on submission (though this gets most of the attention from people today), but rather marriage as a picture to describe Christ’s faithful love for his bride, the church. God has designed marriage, not as an end unto itself, but as a sign of a deeper love between God and His people.

The Puritan pastor John Cotton once wrote that too many marriages weakly aiming for something "at no higher end than marriage itself." He believed, instead, a husband and wife come together "to be fitted for God's service and bring them nearer to God."

Yet the model of marriage often given to us by society today is marriage as a function of self-actualization. Marriage in this view is not about sacrificial care for another or a relationship pointing to something greater than itself, instead marriage is for each individual to experience a higher level of life satisfaction.

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I recently watched We Live in Time, a movie released in 2024 that made many headlines but thankfully received nearly no recognition from the biggest film awards over the past few months. I say this because I had a surprising (to me) negative, visceral reaction to the film as its plot rose to the climax. I shared a brief and negative review of the film on Instagram and realized that why I reacted with such negativity needs more explanation beyond a sound bite of opinion (there are other reasons to avoid the movie: plenty of language and some intense sexual scenes).

*Spoilers ahead*

Without giving away the entire plot, I’ll briefly summarize the movie as about the chance meeting of Tobias (Andrew Garfield) and Almut (Florence Pugh), which leads to an ongoing relationship, that eventually leads to planning a wedding. During their relationship, after having a child together, Almut is faced with a troubling diagnosis that threatens her life. Rather than taking on the more rigorous treatment option, she chooses to have six months of joy instead of one year of sorrow.

But there’s a twist. Almut secretly pursues an exclusive competition for chefs, spending extra time at work to prepare. All this comes to a head when Tobias finds out that not only has this been happening behind his back for months but the competition is on the weekend the two had been planning to get married. The film cuts to the stack of wedding invitations, now destined for the trash. Almut had forgotten. The wedding was off.

Those six months of joy she had used to convince Tobias so she should avoid a more invasive treatment had been used almost exclusively to focus on her own dream, separate from her family, all while her health deteriorated quickly due to the extra work she put in for the competition.

All of this is a rather sobering reminder of how our society views marriage: a great tool in your toolbox if it brings you happiness.

Ironically, Slate Magazine also wrote a scathing review of the film, but because the film celebrated a relationship that functioned too traditionally (I wish I was kidding): “This is a traditional, nay conservative, movie dressed up in funky clothes. Of course it has a meet cute, but it’s offbeat enough to impart the feeling of never having seen this thing that we’ve actually seen countless times.”

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In our culture, success is often measured by how busy we are—how much we achieve, how fast we climb, and how much we sacrifice along the way. Even in marriage, there’s pressure to keep up—to build the perfect home, chase career goals, and stay endlessly productive. If we’re not constantly busy, we wonder if we’re doing enough. But this mindset stands in direct contrast to the way of Jesus.

Philippians 2:6-9 reminds us that though Jesus was God, He didn’t cling to status or power. Instead, He humbled Himself, taking on the role of a servant, ultimately giving His life for others. This is the heart of God’s upside-down kingdom: the path to true greatness isn’t found in striving upward but in lowering ourselves—setting aside selfish ambition, embracing humility, and serving one another.

In marriage, this means choosing love over pride, sacrifice over self-interest, and service over status. True joy and strength in marriage aren’t found in how much we achieve but in how well we love.

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I’ve officiated around 20 weddings over the last 10+ years. It’s one of my favorite things because I get to play a key support role in a day that none of these couples will ever forget. In every wedding I have always shared one quote from theologian and Duke University professor Stanley Hauerwas:

“We do not fall in love and then get married. We get married and then learn what love requires.”

Love in marriage isn’t meant to be driven by fleeting emotions or changing circumstances. Feelings of affection and passion will naturally rise and fall, but commitment is the anchor that holds a marriage steady. When love is rooted in commitment rather than emotion, it has the space to deepen, grow, and mature over time.

Marriage is a covenant, not just a contract. A contract is based on mutual benefit—when one side stops fulfilling their part, the agreement can be broken. But a covenant, like the one God makes with His people, is based on steadfast, unwavering commitment. This is the kind of foundation Jesus desires for marriage—not one built on how we feel in any given moment, but one grounded in the promise to love, serve, and sacrifice for one another, no matter the season.

It is not love that makes the fulfillment of vows possible. But it is vows that make the fulfillment of love possible.

When we choose commitment first, love follows. The daily decision to honor, forgive, and serve one another—even when we don’t feel like it—creates a marriage that reflects Christ’s love. He doesn’t love us because we always deserve it; He loves us because He has chosen to, with a love that never wavers. In the same way, a strong marriage isn’t built on the intensity of today’s emotions but on the unwavering decision to keep saying “yes” to one another every single day.

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Certainly marriage is meant to be the adventure of a lifetime, but too often an “exciting marriage” today means something that serves your own individual needs. In this way, a boring marriage is often the more loving and faithful relationship.

Jay Kim offers a refreshing counter to the Dr. Seuss mindset of “Oh, the places you’ll go” by instead calling us to the power of staying:

“Dreaming big, running far, and shattering limits and ceilings might all be good and well intentioned endeavors, the outlines of a life shaped by meaning, purpose, and significance. But never at the cost of coloring our present reality with scorn and disdain.”

A so-called "boring marriage" is one where faithfulness, serving, and sacrifice take priority over fleeting passion or self-fulfillment. It’s a marriage that may not look thrilling on the outside—no grand gestures every day, no constant pursuit of novelty—but is instead marked by the quiet, steady work of love in action. In contrast, Tobias and Almut present a relationship driven by emotion and urgency, shaped more by fleeting moments than by the steady, enduring nature of true commitment.

A lasting marriage isn’t about chasing excitement at the expense of faithfulness. It’s about choosing to stay, even when things feel routine or when the grass looks greener elsewhere. It’s about finding joy not in constant newness, but in the deep, sacred familiarity of a shared life. True love is built not in the extraordinary moments but in the daily, ordinary acts of selflessness—making coffee for your spouse, listening when you’re tired, forgiving when it’s hard, showing up when it would be easier to walk away.

Jesus calls us not to a love that burns fast and fades quickly, but to a love that endures, a love that lays itself down for another. A “boring marriage” is not a dull one—it’s a deeply meaningful one, rooted in something far greater than momentary feelings. It is a covenant, a promise kept not because it’s always easy, but because it reflects the faithful, never-wavering love of Christ.